What They Don't Tell You

As moms we pass the wisdom down from generation to generation...

Don't blink... the time goes so fast... before you know it he will be driving or she will be going off to college...

In our hearts we know it is true. From the sleep deprived days of sobbing into the newborn clothes as we put them away and pull out the next size, we know in our hearts that these days are numbered. 

No one tells you that in the middle of a busy getting-ready-for-school morning. The youngest will take off the "rainbow dash" shoes she decorated for herself with such pride last year and announce that they are too small and she wants older kid shoes now.

No one tells you that those little shoes will be left there on the floor, in front of the heater where she always gets dressed, as if it doesn't even matter that she is walking away from the rainbow dash days.

We keep trying. We try to prepare younger moms for these moments. We keep passing on the wisdom in hopes that the next mom will slow down a little more, soak in the moments more often, say yes a little more often. Because one of these days no one in your house will say that rainbow dash is their favorite color.

I Am Chronic Pain

In the world of illness and diagnoses, we often hear the encouraging statements, "You are not your diagnosis" or "Your illness does not define you." These are helpful and well-meaning comments with a measure of truth to them.

There was a point that I said these things and felt good about the many things that I do in spite of my chronic pain. I mean, I travel to Asia every 6 months and survive an emotionally taxing and physically exhausting trip. I crank out those blog posts after long days in the orphanage so that everyone back home can follow along. My illness does not define me!

I get up every day. Fight the early morning pain; get the children off to school; then I sit down and edit photos, write blog posts, and post about children needing homes. I answer emails and send messages to potential families. I am not my diagnosis!

God sometimes takes his children on long, hard journeys. Somewhere in the past 4 plus years of constant pain, he started gently speaking to my heart. "Maybe I have chosen to have illness and pain as a defining part of who you are... Maybe you will someday see yourself as I see you and will see that I have chosen you to define grace through pain..." And I knew he was asking me to embrace the pain, to live with it well instead of living well in spite of it.

It has taken me a long time. But I am chronic pain. The fact of it determines my every move. Every activity is weighed against the toll it takes on my body, from my meager energy stores. I don't live my life in spite of it. I live the life I live because of it. I pray so much going throughout my day that Eliana began saying God's name as an expression because when I stand up or move I often say, "Oh God, give me strength" under my breath.

My family doesn't love me in spite of my illness. They love me through it, along side it, maybe even because of it. It certainly means I have more time to just be with them with nothing else going.

Embracing it opens me to accepting it. Do not get me wrong. If something comes along that would cure me or make my daily life easier I would sign up tomorrow and thank God from the bottom of my heart. And I do take strong pain medicines to help me cope with the pain. But for now, I accept it as part of the plan for me.

Chronic pain is part of me, embracing that is hard, but freeing. Learning to live with it graciously and well? Now that is an ongoing effort. I don't know what the future holds, but right now I believe that God is asking me to be the definition of grace through pain. All I want is to do so faithfully.

Over the last few years there are things that have become much clearer to me. Somehow my body is always pushed. I am always needing to push myself to do anything. This has forced me to take a good hard look at my life. What is really worth pushing myself for? There are a lot of things that make that list. There are also a lot of "obligations" that do not make that list. When an opportunity arises if my response to it is not an absolutely yes! then it is a firm no. I wish I had lived more of my life this way.

There is nothing like the emotional trauma of having a life-changing invisible illness to make a person look beyond what meets the eye in situations that come up. If you are hurting in any way, emotionally, physically, spiritually, anything I am so happy to be there for you. Any time. Any where. And I have most likely dealt with any loneliness or dark thoughts that you have faced. Chronic illness can send the mind to dark places. Thankfully God is a God of light even on the darkest days. I am learning this slowly, but I am willing to delve into the darkness with anyone.

But pettiness and drama? Count me out. My mind is too taken up with the difficulty of dealing with life to tolerate gossip or conflict over things that do not concern me. I am out of the loop. I live out of the loop. I need to stay there for my own wellbeing.

If God is asking you to do something hard, you can trust him. He has a purpose. Embrace it. Live well with it. And if you need someone who understands please reach out. Find me on Facebook or email me at erinmrtn@yahoo.com. Don't even hesitate.

Hi. My name is Erin and I suffer with chronic pain. 

Week At A Glance

Saturday is here with late get up times and pancakes for breakfast, with Freeland working at Chick-Fil-A and Annika at a friend's house, and Eliana and Casper doing chores around the house. This has been a busy week and I am glad to get to Saturday. Keith is working today, which, while not unusual, is the only fly in my ointment today.

I wrote this post on Tuesday morning. I thought the wildness of the day was over at 9 AM. Ha! Ha! Ha! That afternoon I waited for the girls to get home from schools and we left to go to the boys' basketball game. Only I put the wrong school in my GPS. So I drove to a school and there was nothing happening there. Panic ensued. But, other basketball mom to the rescue! I got the correct address and rushed to the correct location. By the time I arrived it was time to leave to get Casper and Annika to Myerstown so that they could go to choir practice with Keith. Casper changed on the way to Myerstown while I got lost in Reading. Only he left his pants at the gym where they had been playing. Fear not! Witmer's to the rescue! He likes his new jeans, so that is a win, right? Eliana and I went to Walmart from there to pick up a prescription and get some food for lunches. She is such a sweetheart and is always so excited to spend time with just the two of us. My heart rate slowly returned to normal as I strolled the store with her.

Wednesday started out great! Casper not only brought me my medicine at 6 AM, he also told me to stay in bed and that he would get the others up when my alarm went off at 6:30. There were easy things for lunches and the house was in decent order when everyone left at 7:25. That afternoon I picked Freeland up from school at 2:30 and went to get his physical then his written test for his driver learning permit. We waited quite a while at the doctor and squeaked into the DOT office 5 minutes before they closed. But we made it and he passed the test. We have a new driver in the house! While teaching a child to drive isn't easy I do love the chauffeur aspect of it.

Cell phone picture is all I have.

Thursday afternoon the girls and I went to the basketball game at school. It was the first time I got to see Casper play on the JV team,  which was super fun! The varsity game was incredibly intense. The score was so close and the BMCS team was playing so hard! They won by 1 point. The other team was ahead less than a minute before the end of the game. I may have been a little hoarse the next morning. I can't imagine why...

Friday the boys did not have basketball practice or a game so they came home on the bus with the girls. It was so nice! They love playing, but it does make them so much busier over basketball season.  I took Casper to get a desperately needed haircut and stopped at these helicopters on the way home to snap a few pictures. I also dropped Annika off at her friend's house where she spent the night. I am planning to pick her up in a few minutes. This is not something she has done much of at all and I have appreciated how her friend's mom has sent me pictures and videos of what the girls are doing. I can't wait to hear all about it from her when I pick her up.

Don't they look like they are having fun? 

And here we are at Saturday. Tomorrow we plan to go to church then go to a family get together with Keith's dad's extended family. Which means I need to get a hot dish and cold dish ready to take.

I am not a lover of busyness. This type of week is not my favorite. In so many ways we have rearranged our lifestyle to keep busyness at bay, but sometimes it can't be helped. Sure, we could decide that basketball makes us too busy, but it is not a long season and it is important to the boys. So I am trying to embrace the busier times in my life too. I always try to balance it with lots of rest and relaxing activities when we are at home, and am normally successful in doing that.

And Just Like That...

This boy, my baby boy, is a teenager.

He has grown quite a bit from his tiny 2 pound 11 ounce beginning.

This was taken when he was just a couple of days old. Pictures do not accurately show his tiny size

He is a sensitive, loving child. I can barely comprehend that he is 13 years old and in 8th grade. That means high school next year! I mean, how???

The day he left the NICU

He checks in with me often to see how I'm holding up when we are away from home. He knows that social situations are often exhausting for me and he is always concerned. He will come up and rub my back and say, "Are you doing OK, Mom?" I can count on it. It is so precious to me.

He likes listening to music and loves a good book. He does not love getting up in the mornings and would sleep in every morning if he could. He asked a while ago if he could paint his room black. He did, and he loves it. He has a Star Wars theme going on in there now.

He is on the Junior Varsity basketball team at school. He still finds school easy and makes good grades. He is a funny kid. He has been in the school plays this and last year. He can be shy, so it surprises me that he does really well in school plays. Maybe he is going to be like me, introverted but not shy.

Keith and I took him to breakfast yesterday on his birthday. It was convenient that there was a 2 hour delay at school, so we could have breakfast together and still get him on the bus in time.

Last night Douglas took him to the Winter Jam concert. How fun is it that it was on his birthday!?

And now we begin life with 3 teenage sons in the house. Fun times!

Six Years

Six years ago today Eliana officially became a Martin. You can see our post from that day here. I love looking back, not only because it was such a wonderful day, but because the things I experienced that day have now become familiar. I have been back to Yu Garden many times. I have eaten delicious Chinese food many times. I can eat noodle with chopsticks like a champ.

But I digress. This girl right here. That's what it is about.

She is the most loving child. Sometimes she sees another child say something unkind to their mother and she is genuinely horrified. I could never treat you like that, my precious mom! It is the sweetest.

She loves pandas. She wants to move to China and take care of panda babies when she grows up.

She never misses an opportunity to say she is thankful to have a family. Her prayers are just precious. She always thanks God for her family and that she has the best mom and dad in the whole wide world.

She calls herself my sidekick and loves to do anything with me. She will say, "Do you need your sidekick, Mom?" and jump right in to do whatever I'm doing. She curls up beside me on the bed every chance she gets. She likes to ask, "Is it snuggle time?" And it normally is when she asks.

We are so thankful that little Wu Xing Yao became Eliana Peace Martin six years ago!

Happy Birthday, Freeland!

I will get back to my post about the boys I met in Taiwan, but today is all about Freeland.

This morning

This boy, this quirky, funny, risk-loving son of ours turns 16 today. For him that means getting his driving permit and one step closer to independence. For me it means that 16 years have disappeared into thin air.

At about 1 week old.

I know everyone says it, but wasn't it just yesterday that our tiny son was born at 32 weeks? I'll never forget that first day, seeing him in the NICU, the tiniest baby I had ever seen at that time.

And, at times the days have seemed long. So long. But the years... how can they be this short?

age 4

This sweet boy loves his dog. He loves basketball and doing things with friends. He is outgoing and likes to be busy, but he does love a good cozy afternoon at home too.

In the evenings, after the girls go to bed, he heads straight to our bedroom where he, Casper, and I watch different series together. Or sometimes we just talk and laugh. We have had some of the best jokes and conversations in those times. I know I will always cherish those memories and hope that he will too.

He works at Chick-Fil-A on Saturdays right now. He doesn't love doing jobs around the house, but apparently he does know how to work well because we get great feedback from his managers.

Age 12 

Tomorrow we are going to go let him take his written test for his driving learners permit. He has been studying so I think he will do fine. And then, oh God watch over us. This reckless child of mine will begin to learn to drive.

There is no way I can put into words the way I love this boy. Happy birthday, son. May God be near to you in the coming year.

A Tale of Two Boys {Part 1}

You all know that I went to Taiwan in November. This was my third time to travel to Taiwan with Superkids. I haven't talked about my trips there much. It has been an emotionally conflicting  subject for me.

This gorgeous child from Taiwan now has a family.

The organizations we visit in Taiwan are different from the orphanages we visit in China. Not in a good way, not in a bad way, just different. Right now, due to some changes in China, we are not able to visit orphanages. Naturally this makes me sad. I love China. I love the kids I know there.

You may not think Taiwan would be that different from China, but it is a totally different program with different guidelines and a different timeline. In order to be a good advocate for children from a specific country you need to understand the way adoptions work in that country. At one point it made me feel tired just to think about learning everything I needed to know to really throw myself into advocacy for children from Taiwan.

A bridge near one of the orphanages we visit in Taiwan.

I am not the type of person who can have a door right in front of me and not step through {shocker, I know}. So I started asking questions and learning.

I know that none of this seems to have anything to do with two boys, but I need to share the background before I can move on. I'm getting there...

Our youngest man-child last summer at the bay.

I started out as a boy mom, having three sons first. I love being a boy mom! I love that these big, taller-than-me boy-men are still my little boys. I love these teenage years. When they were all little, I couldn't imagine them being this size. I had no idea that parenting teenage boys would be this amazing and this difficult. I also didn't foresee how much the man-children would still need their parents.

So when I meet older boys in orphanages the ones who tug at my hearts the most are the ones who remind me of my sons...

I feel like this is getting too long. And I need you all to actually hear the story of these two boys. So I'm going to stop here and continue this post tomorrow. Please come back. I need to share this with you...

Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas from the Martins!