Phoenix Or {And} Bust

I did it. I went to Phoenix for a photography workshop. It was amazing. The ladies who planned it went above and beyond. It was fun and it was educational. I learned so much and I'm super excited to build on what I've learned.

We did a photo shoot with teen models in a salvage yard one afternoon. I had never done a shoot in a salvage yard, but I totally loved it. The colors and props and textures were so varied. I would love to do that again and intend to try to find one around here that will let photographers in.

We had a lesson on free lensing one morning. That is where you hold your lens in front of your camera rather than actually attaching it. It is difficult, but it gives you focus options that are so creative.

We also took a sunrise walk in the desert. It was so beautiful. But I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

Shooting photos of families, learning to know new people and strengthening relationships with ladies I had met before, seeing beauty in a totally different environment from what I am accustomed to... all of these things were part of the time there.

Unfortunately, a migraine was also part of my time there, that is where the bust part of the post title comes in. It started on Thursday, the day after I arrived and lasted until several days after I got home. It was the fly in my ointment for sure. I shot quite a few pictures through sunglasses, relying on my camera's light meter. Thankfully, I did get some lovely pictures that I'm very happy with.

At the end of my trip I even got to spend some time with my sweet Aunt Beverly. I had so much fun spending time with her. My Uncle David, whom I had not seen in probably 15 years came to her house and we all had dinner together. It was truly a perfect end to my trip. She even let me take her picture while I was there!

I can't wait for next year. I can't tell you how fun these workshops are. And how educational. I have never been part of anything like this before. It is like building family, community. It is what we all long for and I am very thankful to be part of this group.

I Am Chronic Pain

In the world of illness and diagnoses, we often hear the encouraging statements, "You are not your diagnosis" or "Your illness does not define you." These are helpful and well-meaning comments with a measure of truth to them.

There was a point that I said these things and felt good about the many things that I do in spite of my chronic pain. I mean, I travel to Asia every 6 months and survive an emotionally taxing and physically exhausting trip. I crank out those blog posts after long days in the orphanage so that everyone back home can follow along. My illness does not define me!

I get up every day. Fight the early morning pain; get the children off to school; then I sit down and edit photos, write blog posts, and post about children needing homes. I answer emails and send messages to potential families. I am not my diagnosis!

God sometimes takes his children on long, hard journeys. Somewhere in the past 4 plus years of constant pain, he started gently speaking to my heart. "Maybe I have chosen to have illness and pain as a defining part of who you are... Maybe you will someday see yourself as I see you and will see that I have chosen you to define grace through pain..." And I knew he was asking me to embrace the pain, to live with it well instead of living well in spite of it.

It has taken me a long time. But I am chronic pain. The fact of it determines my every move. Every activity is weighed against the toll it takes on my body, from my meager energy stores. I don't live my life in spite of it. I live the life I live because of it. I pray so much going throughout my day that Eliana began saying God's name as an expression because when I stand up or move I often say, "Oh God, give me strength" under my breath.

My family doesn't love me in spite of my illness. They love me through it, along side it, maybe even because of it. It certainly means I have more time to just be with them with nothing else going.

Embracing it opens me to accepting it. Do not get me wrong. If something comes along that would cure me or make my daily life easier I would sign up tomorrow and thank God from the bottom of my heart. And I do take strong pain medicines to help me cope with the pain. But for now, I accept it as part of the plan for me.

Chronic pain is part of me, embracing that is hard, but freeing. Learning to live with it graciously and well? Now that is an ongoing effort. I don't know what the future holds, but right now I believe that God is asking me to be the definition of grace through pain. All I want is to do so faithfully.

Over the last few years there are things that have become much clearer to me. Somehow my body is always pushed. I am always needing to push myself to do anything. This has forced me to take a good hard look at my life. What is really worth pushing myself for? There are a lot of things that make that list. There are also a lot of "obligations" that do not make that list. When an opportunity arises if my response to it is not an absolutely yes! then it is a firm no. I wish I had lived more of my life this way.

There is nothing like the emotional trauma of having a life-changing invisible illness to make a person look beyond what meets the eye in situations that come up. If you are hurting in any way, emotionally, physically, spiritually, anything I am so happy to be there for you. Any time. Any where. And I have most likely dealt with any loneliness or dark thoughts that you have faced. Chronic illness can send the mind to dark places. Thankfully God is a God of light even on the darkest days. I am learning this slowly, but I am willing to delve into the darkness with anyone.

But pettiness and drama? Count me out. My mind is too taken up with the difficulty of dealing with life to tolerate gossip or conflict over things that do not concern me. I am out of the loop. I live out of the loop. I need to stay there for my own wellbeing.

If God is asking you to do something hard, you can trust him. He has a purpose. Embrace it. Live well with it. And if you need someone who understands please reach out. Find me on Facebook or email me at erinmrtn@yahoo.com. Don't even hesitate.

Hi. My name is Erin and I suffer with chronic pain. 

Sick-o Sidekick

My little sidekick is sick. She woke up crying on Saturday night and is still not completely better. She has had fevers off and on and a runny nose. But for the most part she doesn't feel terrible.

So we have been hanging out together. She is the last one of our children who still feels better when she is held and cuddled. I know from experience how precious it is and how quickly that changes, so I have been holding her all I can.

I remember the days of sick babies, when it seemed like there was never enough of me to go around. The younger me would never have believed that I now make up reasons to hold my sick 9 year old just a little longer. But I do.

This girl of mine enjoys it just as much as I do. You see, she remembers a time when she didn't have a Mommy to hold her when she was sick. It is as if we both recognize how precious the moments are. Perhaps we are both "wise beyond our years" thanks to the hard things we have experienced. She in the loss she experienced so early in life, I with the loss of health and strength.

It makes sick days holy days of togetherness and healing. There is nothing like rocking and being rocked to solidify relationships and satisfy the deepest needs of the rocked and rocker alike.

I don't want her to be sick. But I'm not quite ready for her to be well yet either. Though I must say, we do pretty well with cuddling even on the not-sick days.