My Heart{s}

They say that when you have a child you... "decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." 

This past week has been one of moments where I have been reminded how much I love my tribe. We picked up the children from school before noon on Wednesday and all headed to Great Wolf Lodge in the Poconos. Douglas met us there. The room was so nice, we had a suite to accommodate all 7 of us. Having Douglas there just added to the magic.

The children played hard in the waterpark. I had planned for this trip for quite a while, including getting matching pajamas for the children. They were such good sports going out to the main lobby for pictures. As we stood there between the little performance and the bedtime story in front of the fireplace real snowflakes started falling from the ceiling. The next day Kayla (Douglas' girlfriend) came to join us. I had fun watching the kids and taking pictures. As I looked though these fun pictures my heart was just  bursting!

On Sunday Douglas and Kayla came right away in the morning so that we could celebrate Christmas with both of them. The children opened gifts from them. I think it is safe to say they loved them! Timber got to open his gift and some really great pictures happened again!

Douglas and Kayla had driven back to PA from SC where they had visited Kayla's grandpa, they were pretty tired and snoozed a bit off and on throughout the day.

We all went to a Christmas service at the church Kayla's family attends. This is also the church Douglas has gone to since he moved out, so it was nice to visit there. 

And so these children of mine keep marching on, never realizing that I look at them with such a combination of joy, pride, and bittersweet pain. I hang on to every moment, knowing how quickly they change and grow and knowing that the sweet moments of this year will be outgrown by next year.

To J, With Love

On Saturday my J passed away. Today is 2 years since Nan-Naw passed. I know they are together again and they must be rejoicing. I know that J is walking tall, confident, and pain free once more, as he did when he carried me on his shoulders when I was a little girl. In my mind I can recognize the goodness of his passing, but my heart is still broken.

 He is part of my earliest memories. I remember he and Nan-Naw pushing me on a swing. He was behind me and Nan-Naw in front. He would tickle me when the swing went back and she would tickle me feet when it went forward. We were all three laughing. I remember the warmth of the air and the feeling of being loved. This is one of my earliest memories.

 When I went to their house sometimes I would borrow one of J's t-shirts to sleep in. I remember how soft they were and how they smelled so fresh. I remember the way it felt on the top of my feet where the t-shirt hung to because it was so big on me.

 Through the years he did so many things for us. Once they took us 4 oldest girls on vacation to the Gulf of Mexico. They bought a box of peaches along the way and Nan-Naw was trying to get us to eat the peaches before they spoiled. J would slip us cookies under the peaches when Nan-Naw wasn't looking.

 I remember him sitting on the beach watching us play in the water for hours. His bald head and the top of his feet were blistered the next day.

I remember sitting on his shoulders to feed sea gulls and being terrified as they swooped towards me. I remember "betting" on horses with him at the races.

I remember him always being there. Patient, mostly quiet, through my entire life. Grumbling a little here and there as he patiently baited hooks for us and took us to the fair and bought Long John Silver's and took us to Pizza Hut and made shelves, doll cradles, and kitchen sets for us. But always, always ready to step in and do anything at a moment's notice if we needed anything at all.

And now he is gone. No amount of recognizing that it is better for him takes away the sting of the finality of death. But no amount sting and grief now takes away the hope that I will see him and Nan-Naw, whole and strong again some day.

Thank you, J, for teaching me about love and sacrifice. Thank you for your unconditional acceptance.   

Little Dancer

Last week we went on a cruise. Eliana, as is typical for her with new experiences, was full of questions and anxiety as the time to get on the ship approached. She even shed a fear tears as we waited while Keith parked the vehicle.

On that first afternoon, as we were delayed in port thanks to a tropical storm, there was a kick off dance lesson. At first she was just dancing off to the side, but soon she was right in the middle of it, keeping up move for move, jump for jump.

And she didn't stop when it was over. She kept right on dancing. At first a few people continued with her, but soon she was the only one. Occasionally, over the next hour and a half, someone would join her for a while, but most of the time she danced by herself. On and on, jumping, twirling, joyous and free from inhibition or anxiety.

It was a beautiful start to our vacation. And I think she danced all of her anxiety away, because we certainly didn't see it again.

Douglas...

Douglas has a new address. The tears have been real today, folks.

Before he left this morning, his car filled with his belongings, he told me, "I like where I am in life right now." And that is all that really matters.

He is happy. We are so thankful for the man he is. We aren't worried that he isn't ready for this.

But I still can't reconcile it all in my mind.

I cried when he went to visit school the first time, the year before he actually started. I cried when he started school, his lunchbox carefully packed and a special bag I made for him to carry papers in clutched in his little hands.

I know we will get used to this. But today it hurts. Today I keep wondering how that adorable baby boy who made me a Mama almost 19 years ago can possibly be a grown man.

I'm Not Ready To Be Done

I wanted to write more while I was in Taiwan, but time and exhaustion being what they are I just didn't manage to do it. So even though I've been home for almost a week, I'm not ready to be finished with the Taiwan posts yet.

We couldn't all go in one gondola, so here is the rest of our group.

The day we went sightseeing ended up being gorgeous! We rode the Maokong gondola cable cars up the mountain to this adorable little village with breathtaking views. We went to a restaurant that one of the ladies from the orphanage recommended and we all loved the food! Sitting out on a veranda eating delicious food and sipping tea looking out over the mountains with Taipei 101 in the distance was an experience I would recommend to anyone.

These candied strawberries were amazing!

They added tea leaves to most of the dishes.

Dragon beard vegetables 

We ordered a pot of tea and then requested a refill. The man carrying the tea pots just came and replaced our tea pot with a full one. When Gongzhan asked him what kind was in the full pot he just waved his hand and said, "It is the same!" It wasn't, but he obviously did not think the stupid Americans would know the difference.

The gondola we took both up the mountain and back down had a glass floor. Weirdly it wasn't as scary as it sounds, though it could be a little bit concerning if you thought about it too much. Mostly it was just awesome to see everything from that vantage point.

On our way back down the mountain we stopped at the Taipei zoo. It cost about $2.50 USD to get in and was so beautiful! There were orchids growing on the trees everywhere. We didn't have a lot of time there, but did see a few animals, including pandas, so it everyone was satisfied.

From there we took the metro to an underground market. By then I was so exhausted I thought I couldn't keep going, but I found some cute little socks to bring home to Annika, so that was fun.

The metro was really crowded!

It was the most tiring day of the trip and I almost skipped going and stayed at the hotel because I thought it might be that way, but I would have missed out on so much if I had.

Taiwan

I wrote this and didn't get it posted on Wednesday. I'm going to post it now, so that I can post  at bout the rest of the week without it getting too long.

It is Wednesday morning here in Taiwan. We spent Monday and yesterday in one orphanage and we will be going to the next orphanage tomorrow and Friday, but we have the day off today. We are planning to do some sightseeing and get caught up on work that falls behind when we are gone all day. I want to back up all of the photos and videos I've taken so far and answer a few emails.

But first I want to tell you a little about our first 2 days here. The trip here was pretty uneventful. I had a last-minute panic at home when I almost didn't get my prescriptions re-filled in time, but that worked out OK thanks to a 24 hour Walgreens close to the Newark airport. I've learned how to actually sleep on flights, so that makes the long flight so much more bearable. We arrived at the hotel about 8:30 Sunday night and needed to be ready to leave for the orphanage by 8:30 Monday morning.

We have a really nice team this time, it always varies a bit, and it always works just fine, but it is always good to get into it and have everything working smoothly.

I decided to bring my little photo printer this time and print photos for the kids. I used to do this in China, but it had been a while since I brought it. And I am so glad I did! Some of my favorite moments so far have been printing photos and watching their little faces as they see their pictures printing.

The other thing I have absolutely loved is the little makeup kit and the "create your own headband" kit we brought. It is so fun to let the little girls choose their makeup and fingernail polish colors and help them apply it, help them decorate a headband, then take a picture and print it.

Yesterday one sweet boy, who wants a family very badly, came into the room and got so excited to see me. He gave me a huge hug and my heart just broke. He really wants to be chosen. He will be 10 soon, the same age as my sweet little Eliana and he doesn't understand why other children have been chosen by families and he has not. I don't understand it either. We will certainly do our best to see him in a family!

Last night the orphanage directors and some of the staff took us to a wonderful Hibachi restaurant. I had steak, rice, cabbage, soup, and several different side dishes. Then they brought out dessert, which was this pancake filled with a purple sweet potato filling. It was different, but pretty good. They gave us gifts of pineapple cakes and some other kind of cookie/cake thing (hey kids, I'm bringing home pineapple cake!). They are always very gracious and welcoming to our team.

So we are going to head out in about 30 minutes. I'll post more later as time permits.