I have been thinking about this post since Saturday. I want to write it, but it is very emotional for me, so we will see how it goes.
Last week was exhausting on every level. Even for a trip that I know is tiring, last week was exceptionally so. The travel was rough, the days were long. So we were excited when the weekend rolled around and we had some time in Shanghai to relax and re-group.
Saturday afternoon Keely, Gongzhan, and I went to the hospital to visit one of our little Superkids. It is very unusual to be allowed to visit a child in the hospital like this and even going in we did not know if we would all be able to see him or not. We were so excited that we all got to see him and that he looked great and was doing so well! That, in and of itself, was super emotional for me!
But let me give you a little more background. Eliana's finding place was at this hospital. So my heart was full as we walked through the waiting room there where she was found. I blinked back tears as I thought of that moment. Perhaps it is the one place where both of her mothers have been. I thought of her birth mother, and the agony and terror she likely experienced in that place. But I blinked back the tears and reminded myself that this visit is not about me or my little girl.
We went on up to the PICU to see the little boy we were there to see. And again my mind wandered. This is also where Eliana had surgery when she was two years old. I thought of her there, alone and afraid, without me. I can't even begin to process that thought. I had to remind myself to not think about it then. We were there for someone else's child. And it was a joyous visit and a wonderful report to be able to give this sweet family!
Later that night, I allowed myself to try to think about what I had seen. I tried to picture her there. I couldn't do it. I can't wrap my mind around her being there, needing me, while I lived my life, unaware.
I know that God orchestrated events perfectly to place Eliana in our family and I am forever grateful for this. As I keep seeing little pieces of her story and understanding more of her life before she was a Martin, I am more and more in awe of her sweet little resilient spirit.
I wrote this a couple of days ago. I'm going to publish it now. I'm home and enjoying being with my crew again!
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