I Am Chronic Pain

In the world of illness and diagnoses, we often hear the encouraging statements, "You are not your diagnosis" or "Your illness does not define you." These are helpful and well-meaning comments with a measure of truth to them.

There was a point that I said these things and felt good about the many things that I do in spite of my chronic pain. I mean, I travel to Asia every 6 months and survive an emotionally taxing and physically exhausting trip. I crank out those blog posts after long days in the orphanage so that everyone back home can follow along. My illness does not define me!

I get up every day. Fight the early morning pain; get the children off to school; then I sit down and edit photos, write blog posts, and post about children needing homes. I answer emails and send messages to potential families. I am not my diagnosis!

God sometimes takes his children on long, hard journeys. Somewhere in the past 4 plus years of constant pain, he started gently speaking to my heart. "Maybe I have chosen to have illness and pain as a defining part of who you are... Maybe you will someday see yourself as I see you and will see that I have chosen you to define grace through pain..." And I knew he was asking me to embrace the pain, to live with it well instead of living well in spite of it.

It has taken me a long time. But I am chronic pain. The fact of it determines my every move. Every activity is weighed against the toll it takes on my body, from my meager energy stores. I don't live my life in spite of it. I live the life I live because of it. I pray so much going throughout my day that Eliana began saying God's name as an expression because when I stand up or move I often say, "Oh God, give me strength" under my breath.

My family doesn't love me in spite of my illness. They love me through it, along side it, maybe even because of it. It certainly means I have more time to just be with them with nothing else going.

Embracing it opens me to accepting it. Do not get me wrong. If something comes along that would cure me or make my daily life easier I would sign up tomorrow and thank God from the bottom of my heart. And I do take strong pain medicines to help me cope with the pain. But for now, I accept it as part of the plan for me.

Chronic pain is part of me, embracing that is hard, but freeing. Learning to live with it graciously and well? Now that is an ongoing effort. I don't know what the future holds, but right now I believe that God is asking me to be the definition of grace through pain. All I want is to do so faithfully.

Over the last few years there are things that have become much clearer to me. Somehow my body is always pushed. I am always needing to push myself to do anything. This has forced me to take a good hard look at my life. What is really worth pushing myself for? There are a lot of things that make that list. There are also a lot of "obligations" that do not make that list. When an opportunity arises if my response to it is not an absolutely yes! then it is a firm no. I wish I had lived more of my life this way.

There is nothing like the emotional trauma of having a life-changing invisible illness to make a person look beyond what meets the eye in situations that come up. If you are hurting in any way, emotionally, physically, spiritually, anything I am so happy to be there for you. Any time. Any where. And I have most likely dealt with any loneliness or dark thoughts that you have faced. Chronic illness can send the mind to dark places. Thankfully God is a God of light even on the darkest days. I am learning this slowly, but I am willing to delve into the darkness with anyone.

But pettiness and drama? Count me out. My mind is too taken up with the difficulty of dealing with life to tolerate gossip or conflict over things that do not concern me. I am out of the loop. I live out of the loop. I need to stay there for my own wellbeing.

If God is asking you to do something hard, you can trust him. He has a purpose. Embrace it. Live well with it. And if you need someone who understands please reach out. Find me on Facebook or email me at erinmrtn@yahoo.com. Don't even hesitate.

Hi. My name is Erin and I suffer with chronic pain.